I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
