So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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