I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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