Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
