Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize