Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
