just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
where are my eyebrows?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
