Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
