So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
it hurts more in the daytime
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
