More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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