Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
There's always time for handjobs
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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