the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
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He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
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"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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