I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
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I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
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Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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