I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
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Did I show you my penis last night?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I can't put those talents on a resume
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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