Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
