Jerry, you need to find god
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
