Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
