areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
