that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
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I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
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So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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