Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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