What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
