I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
