please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
