Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
