Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
