Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
