So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
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the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
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So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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