Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
