i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
