my soul wont recognize me after tonight
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
