Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
