the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
