i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
