so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
