Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
