my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
