He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
