i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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