I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
