I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
