what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
