they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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