Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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