we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
