The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
The power of my boobs compel you
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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