So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
