I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
