some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
