I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
