Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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