I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
