Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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