Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
