Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I need a beard to bite.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
