I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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