I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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