I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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