Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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