my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
